Halloween is in the air, with horror movies playing everywhere, haunted houses luring in thrill-seekers, and radio hosts interviewing experts about “why we love to be terrified.” Well I don’t like it one bit! Yet dread and fright are my pesky companions every day.
The pitter patter of a joyous child bounding up behind me paralyzes me with terror as I brace myself for a possible hug that might send me tumbling to the ground.
Movement seen through the narrow window of the underground-parking door alarms me with such force that it takes a few minutes before I can recoup enough energy to open the heavy door. But first, I wait until the hall on the other side of the window is so quiet and still that the chances of someone unknowingly flinging the door open and knocking me to the ground are reduced to a minimum.
Rainy mornings are a nightmare, when all the kids are ushered into the school, crowding the halls as they wait for the first bell to ring. With heart-thumping trepidation, I make my way slowly through the throngs, my senses on high alert for swinging backpacks and jostling bodies. Often, I enlist a few students to guard my frame and clear a path through the chattering herds. Even so, when I finally reach the refuge of my empty classroom, the anxiety has turned my legs to jello, making it another arduous task to cross the length of the room where I can plop myself down on my chair and breathe a sigh of relief.
Kind people attempting to grab my grocery cart when it appears to be stuck in the grooves of the elevator entrance elicit a panicky yelp “DON’T TOUCH!”. And after I explain that my cart keeps my balance, it still takes them a while to recover from the shock of being treated like purse snatchers. Meanwhile, the adrenaline that has shot through my body has left me all quivery and teary-eyed, perplexing them further.
Even the wind rustling the leaves puts me on edge as I remember how violent gusts have slammed me against my car on more than one occasion.
But the worst of all is when fear itself, for no reason at all, takes possession of my body. It seems to happen every autumn. Halloween in the air indeed! A month ago, I was carrying on with my daily routine with confidence. Then from one week to the next, my body suddenly starts freezing up in the middle of the parking garage or in front of the school bus, too fearful to take another step forward, as if I’ve suddenly found myself at the edge of a vertiginous precipice. Sometimes, a good samaritan seeing my distress comes and rescues me with a lending arm, but most often I have to battle the energy-draining panic alone. My turtle’s stride slows to a snail’s pace and my confused leg muscles, forgetting how to walk normally, adopt the gait of a slow Quasimodo, with the right leg leading by a few centimetres and the other one dragging hesitantly behind. I can barely swing my leg into my car, I’m so scared of falling. The fear has even followed me right into my home, breaking through the serenity of my haven. Just crossing from one edge of a doorway to another leaves me dizzy with fright, and I have to hug the walls like Spiderman to move through my hall. When I finally make it to the sanctuary of my bed, my body is utterly exhausted from the day’s terror, in pain from all the tension, yet relishing the promise of a good night’s peaceful sleep.
Enough, I say! An exorcist is on its way. I’ve already taken the first step in the process of getting myself a POWER!-chair.
Very well said Amanda!!!! You have put into words the events in my life and the feelings that I have. Why are those with LGMD so similar in our thoughts and feelings….we seem to be connected by how our bodies react to our environment. We have never met but somehow we are the same. I too have started the process of purchasing a power chair….and I think I am ok with it because I have met so many others over the last 6 months that have benefited from their power chair. Good luck!!!
Thanks Vicki!!!!
I agree. It’s been great being in touch with people going through the same stages of LGMD. It wasn’t long ago, I could only see the obstacles and drawbacks of a power chair, but now I’m feeling much more positive about the idea. I’m looking forward to hearing about your experiences with yours once you get it.
Terrific piece, Amanda. One key to addressing fear — or, more aptly, anxiety — is to remind ourselves that we’ve either been through such a situation before and survived, or have at least been through a similar situation and survived. It’s kind of like, “Been there, done that, and I surely can make it through again.” Soon, these realizations become building blocks of strength, not trepidation. Best wishes on your inspired journey.
Thanks for your words of wisdom Mark!
Amanda your words are so familiar. Thanks for reminding me I’m not the only one! The WC can be very freeing and has many benefits when I use mine ( non electric) we can get great seats at concerts and when we went to Boston last spring we could go anywhere on “foot”" as it’s a nice city to walk around. I call mine my “donkey cart” or ” wheelbarrow” it’s a love/hate relationship – lol- maybe you can make up a nicer name for yours! It will certainly lower your stress level- nothing worse than being knocked over by a third grader I have lived that too
I always appreciate your articulate writing style <3
Hi Elizabeth! It’s good to hear from you! I did get a wheelchair last year and used it a few times over the summer, when I had to keep up with some overseas friends who were visiting. It certainly helped! But I can’t get out of it by myself. Can you get out of yours without help? (And I totally get the love-hate relationship!)
I’m glad you write a blog, it makes me understand you better and relate to your struggle. I’m positive a power chair will liberate you and make you safer as well.
wow amanda, ur writing keeps getting better and better. i especially like “at the edge of a vertiginous precipice”. classic miss P. dont stop till u get enough. keep writing. and congrats on the power chair!
Thanks Ken! I’m actually feeling better! Maybe writing about my fears has exorcised them. Or maybe it was the iron & B12 supplements that finally kicked in. lol